I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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