:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
