I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
