I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
