Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
