it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The power of my boobs compel you
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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