Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
