its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
