We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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