Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
how does that bad decision feel?
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