I cannot find my penis.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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