I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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