saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
this beer tastes like vomit already
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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