remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
