What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
