I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
