The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
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