I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
