I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Farmville is her only friend.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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