everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
