Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
