EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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