I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
