im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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