I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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