Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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