Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
