So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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