the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
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The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
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THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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