i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
