the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
