Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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