i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
