So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
