I must be too annoying 4 u.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
