Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
