is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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