I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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