haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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