i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
