if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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