apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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