just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
