a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
