guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
