Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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