just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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