if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
