i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
