last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
