I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
