dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
