Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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