I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
