I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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