I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
