my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
