Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
