AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
