Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
