i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The Olympian is in my bed
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
