I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
