I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
